Simcha Fisher: Has the pandemic improved you too much? A quiz

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Take The CW pandemic personal improvement quiz

Here we are, just about on the other side of the pandemic. Yes we are. Quiet, I said we are and I can’t hear anything else right now or I’m going to go completely out of my mind.

Here we are, as I say, just about on the other side of the pandemic, and almost since day 1 of the lockdowns and restrictions, we’ve been hearing about people turning into slugs who no longer know how to carry on a conversation, drive a car, or put on pants. So many publications are focusing on people who’ve let their lives slither southward down the drain like an unguarded bowl of tapioca. But here at The Catholic Weekly, we do things a little differently.  Here, we turn our gimlet eye on the real villains of the pandemic. The people who used their  time too well.

I threw together a little quiz to help you assess whether you’ve officially gone too far and have allowed the global pandemic to make you entirely too awesome to live. Here it is:

What happened to your personal wardrobe?

(a) I got dressed every day, especially if there was a Zoom meeting, but a certain amount of elastic has certainly made its way into my permanent collection, it certainly has.

(b) I no longer wear hard pants. Just leggings. Maybe jeggings for special occasions, like death. And then pajama pants at night, or day, or whatever.

(c) I have so much respect for myself that I never stopped putting on full business attire every day, including makeup, hair extensions, false eyelashes, skin tight pleather pants, and a pair of barbarically stacked heels that honest to goodness just look weird within 500 feet of the kindergarten. I’m sorry, I forgot what we were talking about, and I was just thinking of that one mother at school drop-off every morning. Yikes, lady.

What happened to your nutritional and fitness habits?

(a) I was so stressed out that let myself eat whatever I wanted and lie around for a while, but then I realised it wasn’t really serving me, so now I’m doing some gentle exercises every day to try to get the ol’ wibble-wobble back under the ol’ controlio.

(b) I’m fitness burrito into my mouth right now, har har har har har (glomphh).

(c) I am a real person who actually bought one of those mirrors that’s hooked up to the internet so a yoga instructor in New Jersey can scream at me in real time while I hook my calf behind my ear. The kicker, and I realise this is kind of grim, is that it’s actually made my life better. 

What happened to your social life?

(a) I missed hanging out with people, but we did online stuff and outdoor stuff, and as soon as everyone’s vaccinated, we’re going to have an amazing cookout.

(b) I blocked anyone who annoyed me on social media, including myself.

(c) This year really opened my eyes, and I saw a need to actualise in my community a vision that holds space more centered mindfulness, so I’m currently interfacing with a cohort of leaders who can speak their truth that we’re all in this together, because only then can we truly hold space for each others’ uhhh spacefulness. And I can tell how sorely needed this service is, because every time I approach a group of co-workers, someone mutters, “Oh crap, here she comes again.”

What happened to your spiritual life?

(a) I tried to approach it like an extended time in the desert like so many of the saints have endured, but phew, it feels great to be back in the pew.

(b) I was so desperate for some kind of robust interaction with a faith community, I accidentally became an ordained minister in the church of the Horrendous Umbilicus. My name is now Megacles the Protruding, and for $5 I will intercede for you with some fairly entertaining demigods. It’s a living, and I’m making double what I got when I worked for the diocese.

(c) I’m apparently a cardinal now. And not in the fun bird way.

What happened to your newspaper?

(a) We had our challenges, but we muscled through, and we feel like we learned a lot along the way and maybe even came out stronger.

(b) It was tough, but luckily we had Simcha Fisher writing for us.

(c) It was tough, but then on top of everything else, we had Simcha Fisher writing for us.

Answer key

If you answered mainly (a), you sound pretty normal. Hang in there! Better days ahead!

If you answered mainly (b) It’s okay, little buddy. We understand.

If you answered mainly (c) you can just go ahead and pick up my kid from kindergarten, why don’t you. Gosh.

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