I’m re-reading a book called Boundaries which was life-changing for me. It’s by Drs Henry Cloud and John Townsend, who wrote the first edition back in 1992.
The copy I’m now reading is the 2017 second edition, because I’ve given away all the other copies of this book that I’ve owned to people who desperately needed it.
I was just up to the chapter on “boundaries in marriage” when it was time to go to Sunday Mass. And of course, that Sunday was the reading from Ephesians 5 about husbands and wives and obedience.
They print out the readings in our parish bulletin, and my sister picked up a copy from the previous Mass to use.
It was also Mission Sunday and there were pencils in the pews. On my sister’s bulletin, someone had used their pencil to underline the part in the Mass reading about wives submitting to their husbands.
We were both struck by the fact that this person had not underlined any of the other parts of the reading about husbands’ responsibilities.
So, we swapped bulletins, and I put my pencil to good use. Some lucky person at the next Mass will have received a much more balanced view of the duties of Christian marriage.
In between making the world a better place, I was also struck by something in the Gospel at the end of the John 6 discourse on the Bread of Life.
Jesus says in our current translation, “This is why I told you that no one could come to me unless the Father allows him.” (Jn 6:65).
Allows him? This was the first time that word had really struck me, and it sounded exactly like the Boundaries book I’d been reading.
When in doubt, I always hit up the interlinear Bible. The word in John’s gospel is δεδομένον (dedomenon), which is a form of the verb “to give.”
John is the only evangelist who uses this word (3:27, 6:65, and 19:11). There’s also one use of it in Acts 4:12.
The context is always: granted, given from above, given from heaven, given from God, or bestowed. Some alternate English translations say, “unless it has been granted him from the Father.”
The Father lets certain people near Jesus. That implies that other people aren’t allowed near him.
This is one of the things that we can struggle with, especially when we think about the people in our lives who have rejected Jesus’ invitation to love him.
Were they predestined to do this? Does God literally not want them around? Of course not. We all still have free will and make free choices.
But if you personally have an active faith, that means that you’ve been allowed to come near Jesus and be drawn into his relationship with the Father.
And it’s a gift, freely bestowed as the Father chooses. It’s not something you earned.
Gritted teeth, stoicism and self-flagellation are not keeping you here, either. If you still believe in God and go to Mass, that’s the work of God’s grace in you.
You can probably relax and trust him a bit more. This might make you happier, and more likely to say thank you for the free gifts of faith, hope, love, hot showers, square meals, and everything else that he lavishes on you.
This part of John’s Gospel also tells you that God puts limits in place to protect you. We sometimes forget this, because we know that God’s love for us is unconditional.
But Jesus also taught his followers some important principles about how the kingdom of God was to be spread throughout the world—passages that we could all benefit from underlining.
One is about not casting pearls before swine, because they will trample on them and then attack you (Mt 7:6). Another is about leaving the dead to bury their dead (Mt 8:22, Lk 9:60).
Another is about shaking the dust off your feet when you leave people and places which have rejected the Gospel (Mt 20:14, Mk 6:11, Lk 9:5).
So, if you’re hitting a brick wall with someone who’s not coming to Mass, then stop. Let them exercise their God-given freedom to make that choice.
God knows exactly what’s going on in any human heart. Trust him to do his work with them in his own time.
But also give him the room to do this. Sometimes he needs us to butt out and give him the space to work.
Stop being angry with them. Pray for them. Make sacrifices for them. Always hope for them. And always bring a pencil to Mass.