The
Catholic Weekly
Online
Sydney
19 October 2003
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Peace
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Jubilee
week for Pope
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It’s
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Terry Hanley, lay missionary who has spent nearly 15 years in the field - Happy
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What
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Religion
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Malouf
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Ministry
of Jesus to the sick and dying
‘Father,
this is your life’
‘Priest
in residence’ honoured
Bushland
setting for Thurgoona church
Full-on
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Active
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Requiem
Mass for ‘Bacon Priest’
Ministry of Jesus to the sick and dying
By Fr Dennis W Byrnes
The certainty of death has haunted the human race from the beginning of time. Despite its inevitability, human beings are in most cases reluctant to accept the fact of their mortality; it is said by some commentators we are a death denying society.
In my ministry as a priest I encounter death and its effect on loved ones and family members who are left behind with the sense of loss.
How does a family or loved one deal with the reality of terminal illness of a family member?
In such a situation I believe family members undergo different stages of adjustment similar to that of the dying person.
DENIAL: It is not true; denying the fact that there is such an illness in the family; shopping around from doctor to doctor seeking help or another diagnosis; looking for miracles, cures from faith healers, etc. We see here the need to share with family members in a gentle and supportive way the reality of what is happening.
ANGER: As the patient goes through the stage of anger, immediate family and others will experience the same emotional reaction. They can be angry with the doctor who gave them the news of the sad reality. The patient can become a target for this anger, too, as can hospital personnel and even God. The family can also experience much guilt about past opportunities to show love for the dying person.
We must understand that relatives and the loved ones of the dying person also experience emotions.
The task is to acknowledge that these emotions do exist, to acknowledge them and then positively work through them. When such emotions as anger, resentment and guilt can be worked through, the family members will go through a phase of preparatory grief, just as the dying person does. The more this grief can be expressed before death, the less unbearable it becomes after death.
To care and minister to the sick and the terminally ill and their families and loved ones is surely the love of God in essence. Jesus in his earthly life showed us our bodily lives are sacred … we are God’s creation … God does not make junk.
The care and love Jesus showed for the sick, the poor, the outcasts were outstanding qualities of his ministry.
The disciple of Jesus looks upon him crucified on the cross and sees the true essence of life most clearly revealed: the giving of self in the service of others.
Greatness is not about material gain.
For the true disciple of Jesus it is about giving our lives in service for our brothers and sisters. The fact that selfless love can reach extraordinary heights in the most painful moment of human experience is the great paradox of the Christian message.
Unless we discover that living is about giving selflessly, we will only half- live. Surely care for the sick and the terminally ill is a concern for all sincere disciples of Jesus.
I believe the disciple of Jesus is called to make a daring proclamation: “We believe in Jesus, the Gospel of life. And this Gospel of life is not just a fanciful idea about a better future. The Gospel of life is something tangible and personal, for it proclaims the very person of Jesus Christ whose spirit dwells within us” (Pope John Paul II’s Evangelium Vitae).
After the death of the terminally ill person, family members or loved ones left behind experience many feelings.
When we lose someone in death, especially if we have had little time to prepare ourselves, we often experience anger and despair.
Remember the story of Martha and Mary at the death of their brother Lazarus. Martha said to Jesus: “If you had been here, my brother would not have died, but I know that, even now whatever you ask of God, he will grant you” (John 11:21-23)
I believe these words indicate from Martha not only a request but also human anger and some despair. Jesus expressed human emotion with his weeping at the death of his friend Lazarus and the people remarked how much he loved him because of those tears indicating a sense of despair (John 11:32-45).
It is not a sign of weakness to express our feelings; what is important is how we express them.
Jesus came to comfort Martha and Mary at the death of Lazarus (John 11:17-27).
It is normally after the funeral that relatives and loved ones most appreciate the presence of caring and loving friends. It is a time of talk, of sharing memories of the deceased, especially the times towards the end of the dying person’s life. We need to talk and share.
Sometimes family and friends feel they should have done more to help in this situation and these are the people who need to share such concerns with others - maybe the carer who cared for their loved one, the doctor, the social worker, etc.
The most meaningful help we can be given as the bereaved of the terminally ill is to be ministered to with empathy.
We need to come to acceptance without guilt.
I have emphasised the importance of sharing feelings with caring people, but I would also strongly encourage prayerful sharing with an empathetic and healing Jesus and continuing to give and receive love with the deceased through prayer. We can pray for the healing of grief.
Grief is primarily healed through friendship. I believe that sharing all with the greatest friend, Jesus, brings healing of the greatest hurt.
Through the heart of Jesus, we can love and be loved by those we miss most.
For those with faith: ‘in death life is changed not ended’ (Preface of the Mass of the Dead I).
Healing the greatest hurt with the greatest friend brings the greatest love.
Fr Dennis W Byrnes is parish priest at Kempsey in the diocese of Lismore