Heading off conflict before it hits crisis point

Sydney
6 April 2003

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Heading off conflict before it hits crisis point

By Marilyn Rodrigues

Michael Austin has this advice for squabbling married couples: Act early to resolve ongoing differences and don’t think there’s something strange or frightening about seeing a marriage counsellor.

The Centacare manager of family and relationships counselling says that the benefit of talking to a third party in a neutral place is that it provides couples with the time and space for resolving their problems before they reach a crisis point.

“The counsellor will ask how they are currently looking at their differences and may offer a new way of looking at them and new skills to help them manage conflict in a different way,” says Michael.

“The predominant reason that leads people to pick up the phone and call us is a conflict situation that has got to the point of one or both people finding it intolerable.”

Some people hesitate because they fear that seeking counselling means the death knell of the marriage, says Michael, when in fact the opposite may be true.

“Often at the start the questions,” he says, “are about: ‘are we suited to be together?’, ‘is the relationship doomed’?”

“And these sorts of anxieties are very normal in couple relationships.

“In some circumstances the outcome of counselling might be separation, but for many people their anxiety can calm down a bit and we can work with them and help them to find solutions.”

Apart from marriage counselling there are various types of marriage enrichment programs offered by Centacare and other organisations too, such as Retrouvaille and Marriage Encounter.

It is one way that the Church cares for couples and families in trouble.

Of course, the Catholic Church upholds marriage as sacred and permanent, and opposes divorce.

But, when marriages fail, the Church supports mediation and conciliation to minimise the effects of a divorce, especially on any children, and the possibility of a marriage annulment if a divorced person wishes to marry again in the Church.

Mediation allows separated couples to resolve matters of custody and property settlements in a way that is fair to everyone, protects children and avoids dragging families through the courts.

It can “reduce the anticipated trauma of children seeing their parents locked into maybe two weeks or three weeks on a contested matter in the family law court”, says Centacare mediator Jerry Keefe.

“We assist parties to reach an agreement without going through the expensive and possibly tortuous and psychologically upsetting aspects of contested and bitter litigation,” he explains.

“If any children are involved, the aim is to help the parties agree to solutions that are in their best interests.”

Mediation is part of alternative dispute resolution that is strongly recommended by Family Law Courts to reduce their workload.

It is successful, too, with only about five per cent of cases actually going to court, says Jerry.

Because of the Church’s teaching of the permanence of marriage - the “until death do us part” part - it does not recognise the re-marriage of a divorced person whose former spouse is still alive.

Nor can it recognise the marriage of a person to a divorcee whose previous marriage has not been declared annulled.

An annulment is an official declaration that one or more of the conditions necessary for a valid Catholic marriage was missing when the couple exchanged vows.

For example, one or both of the partners did not intend the marriage to be permanent, or were not open to having any children.

The annulment process is legal under the Church’s canon law and is the job of the Catholic Church’s tribunals.

Adrienne Conahan, of the Sydney archdiocesan tribunal, says: “When a marriage ends in divorce, one or both of the parties often wonder about their status in the Catholic Church, especially if they wish to enter a new marriage.

“It is not uncommon for parties to contact the tribunal to find out whether it is possible to obtain a Church annulment.”

Adrienne says “the pain of a marriage breakdown is a sad reality” for many people.

“Although marriage has been entered with the best intention, there are those marriages where, even with counselling, the parties cannot resolve their differences and move forward together,” she says.

“The tribunal is there to answer the question: ‘Was my marriage valid according to the law of the Catholic Church’?”

Not everyone who applies is granted an annulment, but the experience of applying for one can be “a positive healing experience”, says Adrienne.

“It is one which assists many people to identify the problems of the earlier marriage and to grow beyond the hurt and emotional upset.

“People are also given the opportunity to prepare for a new marriage with greater insight and confidence.

“In this context, it can be seen that the tribunal represents the Church in reaching out to those people who have been hurt by a broken marriage.”