Sydney
22 December 2002

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Conversation: Stephen Said - pastoral support services co-ordinator - Helping children cope with crisis

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Where Christmas is celebrated every day of the year

Conversation: Stephen Said - pastoral support services co-ordinator - Helping children cope with crisis

By Marilyn Rodrigues

Not all children look forward to the Christmas school holidays, says Stephen Said (pictured), the pastoral services co-ordinator for Catholic Education Office Sydney's inner western region.

Christmas can be a tense time for families if people who don't normally choose to spend time with each other are trying to relate, he says.

Some children will miss the support they usually get from their peers at school.

"School can be like a second family and some children get very anxious and unsettled heading towards holidays because they're going to be away from their peers," says Stephen.

"In the case of separated families, where they're going to stay with the absent mum or dad, and they might only do that once a year, that can create anxieties as well.

"It can also create anxiety for the parents who will not see their child for part of that Christmas time.

"And children from intact families may be anxious about the holidays if arguments escalate when everyone's at home over the Christmas break."

One way for troubled families to alleviate Christmas time tension is to acknowledge that their problems will not disappear for the season, and to decide not to bring them into the time spent together over Christmas.

This Christmas children may be sensitive to issues in the wider world as well.

Many are uneasy about what they hear of terrorism and the current state of alert in Australia, says Stephen.

It has created insecurities in families both in parents and their children.

"For children it creates a sense of lack of safety, particularly this idea that we don't know who the terrorists are," he says.

"I think the main thing for children (who feel this way) is to restore that sense of safety and understand that the world is a relatively safe place and they don't have to suddenly be looking over their shoulder and thinking every person might be a terrorist."

Stephen is president of the NSW Family Therapy Association.

He is also on the board of the Institute of Counselling for the Archdiocese of Sydney.

He has been pastoral support services co-ordinator for the inner west since July.

Before that he spent many years in the Parramatta diocese, first as a teacher and then in counselling.

He was one of five people who successfully piloted a program in 1992 to provide counselling across diocesesan schools in response to critical incidents.

'Critical incidents' refers to one-off crises affecting schools, such as a major school bus accident or the suicide of a student.

Stephen's role involves co-ordinating the primary pastoral support team, consisting of counsellors and a behaviour management specialist.

He also co-ordinates the Kindergarten-Year 12 pastoral care network for the inner western region.

Centacare outsources counsellors for Catholic schools in the eastern and southern regions, but the inner western region employs its own counsellors.

"At the moment most counsellors work across quite a few primary schools and they're hoping that ratio (of students to counsellors) will reduce," says Stephen.

Critical incidence response is a growing area, and Stephen's book (and CD-Rom), Critical incidents affecting schools: Prevention, preparation and response, which was published last year, is already being implemented in schools across Australia and in Singapore and New Zealand.

"I am most excited about making a difference with that because, traditionally, school communities have grappled with providing a balanced and appropriate response," he says.

Having a team of strangers converge on a school after an horrific event can be just as damaging for students as the incident being ignored.

"The pendulum has swung a fair bit where there can be a degree of overkill now, where communities don't acknowledge people's own inner resourcefulness," he says.

"I feel quite strongly about that, that we are looking outside of ourselves for help I think a bit too much and often people aren't given the opportunity to call upon their own coping mechanisms.

"If we don't teach children to utilise their own coping strategies, to at least initially see if they can handle something with their own resources, then later when theyhave relationship break-ups, death in their families, all the difficulties that adults have to deal with, we haven't given them the opportunity to develop those strategies."

Thus, the main thing that counsellors in schools do in the event of a crisis is provide support to the community and identify and work with individuals who are affected the most.

In this, says Stephen, they can supplement the teachers' work in re-establishing a sense of safety.

"But there will be people who will be taken beyond their ability to cope and they're the people that may be in danger of developing a post-traumatic condition," he adds.

Counsellors, with the help of teachers, identify those students in different ways.

One thing they look for is any one of those affected who begin acting out of character.

It is normal, after a crisis, for a shy child to become more withdrawn, or a boisterous one to act up even more, explains Stephen, but to have a person acting out of character altogether may signal that they are not coping.

They also look out for children with predispositions; for example, those who have suffered a recent tragedy or crisis, have a learning difficulty or are vulnerable for some other reason.

"It's a matter of being very respectful of individual needs. Some will need ongoing work; others will just need to get back into the normal routine," says Stephen.

Those with faith in God have rich resources to draw upon in a crisis, says Stephen.

He knows this from his own experience of losing a younger brother to a drink driver some years ago.

"He was a young married man and they were expecting their first baby," says Stephen.

"I remember the incredible impact that had on my family, but my parents are very devout Catholics.

"Spirituality was very important in my family and we really hung onto that. That got us through.

"Also I came from a large family.

"A problem these days is that people don't often have that structure of extended families with grandparents and other relatives not far away who you can draw upon, who can support you."

But school communities often do an exceptional job of filling the void that extended families once filled, says Stephen.

Sometimes, after a death in a student's family, it is the school community that offers practical support with cooking meals and arranging a funeral.

Stephen gives an example of critical incidence counsellors at work.

"Say there was a major accident and children on a bus witness a very disturbing sight, the death of somebody; children can witness decapitation and other really awful things," he says.

First the counsellor would meet only with those children who had seen the most, to ensure that others didn't hear their grisly stories and become traumatised as well.

"One of my team would sit with that group and try to prevent what's happened becoming intrusive in an ongoing way, so that they get recurring visions and dreams of that scene," Stephen says.

"You do that by getting them to talk about their experience and what meaning it had for them.

"Then you look for something they can do to externalise their experience.

"It might be the fact that person is now in heaven and you can pray for them.

"I'll often ask school children to give mum and dad and other family members a big hug to kind of reinforce their connection with significant people in their life."

Rituals are a very important conduit for healing after a tragedy, says Stephen.

"If it's a person they know they often write little poems and letters and stories to that person and we'll collect those for a little shrine where there might be candles, pictures and a basket (for them)," he says.

"Also, if it is a member of the school community, those classes affected might go to the funeral and might participate if the parents wish that."

For those not affected, the school goes on as normal.

"You don't make it a big drama. That is very important," says Stephen.

"Occasionally you see a school overreact to a death and I think the children there don't get the opportunity to learn that death and crises are a normal part of the life cycle.

"And it also increases their anxiety if there's an over-reaction.

"But it would be very dangerous if the pendulum has swung so far that the role of counselling is devalued," he says.